DARK SIDE returns to review THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (2010) **** and to pitch director Tom Six some suggestions for sequels!
Yeah, so I got sidetracked working on pay-for-play flick deals with Pennywise the Clown, Aleister Crowley and Cthulhu (man, that guy’s a real @%#$! jerk) and I suddenly got a telex from Coop that David Cronenberg had a new, must-see horror movie. So I packed up my greasepaint, rainbow wigs, collection of medical instruments and headed on back to that land of the Blues and the damned… Mississippi.
Normally I would make Coop pay for perpetrating such a filthy ruse to make me abandon my comfy apartment in Hell-A, especially when I realized Cronenberg hasn’t made a legit horror movie since “eXistenZ” in 1999 and has no plans for any in the near future. So this WASN’T a Cronenberg movie. I was about to make someone pay dearly when I learned more about the notorious film he wanted me to review… THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) by newcomer director Tom Six.
Oh… My… God… Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new David Cronenberg. This silly indie movie had me cackling and howling for its full 90 minute run time. Did I say silly? Because I meant AWESOME.
Dr. Heiter (The now imminent character actor Dieter Laser) hates humans, despite being a very weird one himself. No longer satisfied with de-freak-a-fying Siamese twins, Dr. H decides to surgically conjoin a trio of Rottweilers from maw to anus just for kicks. The result: His most cherished pet. When his beloved 3-dog dies, he creates a heartfelt tombstone for it and buries 3-dog in the backyard. Afterwards he feels a loss that only escalating unnecessary surgery can cure. His next project: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) is a go. That all happens BEFORE the movie starts mind you.
Enter Lindsay and What’s-Her-Face, two stereotypical American party girls touring Germany who pop a tire on the way to a party in the sticks where they are apparently destined to get sexually assaulted. Yep, they’re typical stupid and shallow slasher movie fodder. Fortunately, a passerby stops to help him but he turns out to be the worst of 50 year-old Germanic pervs. They hightail their plastic little rear ends to, unbeknownst to them, the most dangerous country house in all of Deutchland. Soon, they wish they had stuck with the perv because their new host, Dr. Heiter, plans to make them and a random Japanese tourist dude into his new set of conjoined Rottweilers.
Forget Cthulhu, zombies and vampires; Dr. Heiter has convinced me that mad scientist films are back in style as a horror movie subgenre (If you want more proof wait for SPLICE which will come out June 4). I can’t wait to see what mayhem THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FINAL SEQUENCE) director Tom Six is apparently cooking (sewing?) up for us next. I hope he finds a way to work Dr. Heiter back in there because I can’t imagine it being quite as fun without Mr. Laser and his manic antics. This movie was filled with so many jaw-dropping OMG moments that I was on the edge of my seat waiting for the next inevitable grotesque event to happen. No more about the plot, just go see it. Or more realistically, save it to your Netflix queue because I don’t know how long its limited, big-cities-only run will last. Granted, I expect this to become a decent hit on the rental circuit whenever it releases on DVD and BluRay.
Mr. Six, if you are listening, I have a few requests/suggestions for the sequel. Ready? Here we go (shuffling papers)…
1. MORE “FAILED” EXPERIMENTS. I’m not just talking about humans here, but animals too. I’m sure the reason why we didn’t see “3-dog” in action was due to budget restraints (but the photograph of him/them/it was a nice touch). I want to see the majority of the surgeries go horribly wrong before Herr Dockter gets it right.
2. FEED THE CENTIPEDE STEROIDS AND NARCOTICS. Why? Because I wanna see this thing REALLY move. If you’re going to do a 12-person centipede for the sequel like you are claiming, that thing is going to need some muscle to be speedy enough to get around. Plus it’s going to be in pain no matter what but at least give it enough amphetamines to jolt it so it can really slither along instead of inching by and yelping with each move. It’ll still be tragic but this thing has the potential to be a real monster!
3. LOBOTOMIZE AND/OR BRAINWASH THAT SUCKER AND TRAIN IT GOOD! If the lead segment gets a lobotomy, he/she/it would be easier to control, but I think it would be far more interesting to simply brainwash the entire organism. You could do this “A Clockwork Orange” style or through drugs and training. Speaking of training, those were some of the most effective scenes in (FIRST SEQUENCE). He humiliation and degradation of the segments were skin-crawlingly satisfying. The new organism should be a badass by the end, so get that mad doctor crackin’ early! The Human Centipede can always revolt against its creator in the third act (or maybe just part of it… hmmm… *scribble, scribble, scribble*).
4. MORE DETAILED MEDICAL ACCURACY. Mr. Six, you claim that THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (FIRST SEQUENCE) is medically accurate, by which I think you mean such a surgery/procedure could actually work and produce the result as seen in the film. I’m willing to believe that and I have some suggestions to help the next experiment be even more medically accurate: I believe the leading segments will require some sort of intestinal bypass procedure in order to *gag reflex* “nourish” the succeeding segments more efficiently. Shortening their digestive tracts will allow more clean nutrients to pass though the segments than simply passing waste on down the line which will surely kill the end segments rather quickly. Needless to say it will definitely require a lot of food, so constant feedings sessions are a must. Also, fusing or wiring the jawbone to the proceeding pubic bone might ensure a segment doesn’t accidentally or forcefully rip away from the segment in front of it. Removing, shortening, enlongating or softening up additional bones might help the organism move more efficiently as well. My recommendation: Elongate the neck, spine and arms. That’d make it move better and would look really damned FREAKY! Maybe surgically graft some fangs and venom glands on the lead segment to make it dangerous to trespassers. That’d be fun.
5. OVERALL EFFECT SHOULD TRUMP ACCURACY. Of course it would be better form to cut the vocal chords like Dr. Heiter suggested and it probably would be more humane to give it painkillers. Heck it might even be best to blind or deafen every segment except for the head if you want full control over it. My advice: Don’t. As Pinhead says, it would be a “waste of good suffering”. Suffering begets tragedy, so no going easy these poor souls, okay? It should be a wailing monstrosity, fully aware of what’s happening around it. The more tragic the better.
6. BRING BACK DR. HEITER (DIETER LASER) *SPOILERS AHEAD!* Dr. Heiter wanted to create medical anomalies so let him actually become one. As “Ripley’s Believe It or Not!” has shown us, people can survive a direct bullet wound to the head. It can also have interesting side effects like increased intelligence, elimination of the conscience, over stimulation of the libido, etc… I wanna see him return even MORE mad than before with new ideas, increased dysfunctions and a wicked bullet hole scar/open wound on his forehead which leaks blood or pineal gland juice (or something) when he gets really agitated. He’s the physical embodiment of evil Nazi science and immoral experimentation. He HAS to come back. Twin brother maybe?
7. GIVE DR. HEITER AN “IGOR”. This could be a slave that Herr Heiter has brainwashed to do his bidding, a failed segment or something equally tragic. I’d actually prefer another mad doctor that Heiter could train train as his protege. This doctor could save Heiter’s life with some shockingly brilliant brain surgery, imprison him in his basement, then blackmail him into showing him the ropes to help create the ultimate human centipede. With help, Heiter could pull off some pretty awesome and ambitious projects. Then maybe Heiter could double-cross the guy at the end and make him the tail segment or something.
8. GO BIGGER, MEANER AND NASTIER. Sounds like you’re on the right track with the 12-segment human centipede for the sequel, but don’t stop there. Oh no. This could be a very rich franchise that could top itself with each seat-squirming sequel. It could go campy (like the “Re-Animator” series) or serious (like the Hannibal Lecter franchise), but it’s an outrageous concept so I wanna see increasingly outrageous sequels. I wanna see various “Centi-Animals” (you know, like a Centi-Rat, Centi-Cat, Centi-KomodoDragon, etc…), I wanna see a Human Centipede attack some interlopers and give ’em what-for with its surgically grafted venomous fangs, I wanna see Human Centipede vs. (Mega?) Human Centipede, an Army of Human Centipedes, etc… Damn, these sequels write themselves! And so do the titles. Imagine the Blacksploitation possibilities: SUPERFLY CENTIPEDE (JIVE SEQUENCE). Porn version – THE HUMAN CENTIPENIS (ERECT SEQUENCE). All leading up to the ultimate sequel… THE HUMAN MILLIPEDE (INFINITE SEQUENCE).
Brilliant. I love it. Hey Six, speaking of writers, do you need a writer for the sequels? Cause – *ahem* – I’m available.
“I’ll swallow your soul!!!”
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