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Action Flick Chick’s Zombie Survival Guide for a Small Town

Posted on June 15th, 2009
Posted on June 15th, 2009


Dark Side here.  The Action Flick Chick has been so kind as to write an article specifically for The Small Town Critic.  This subject is very near and dear to my heart because as an evil clown, I’m always prepared for a zombie apocalypse.  Aren’t you?  Well you should be.

The Chick explains how YOU can survive the rising of the undead if you live in a small town like so many of us do because, let’s face it…  if you’re in a big city, you’re totally screwed.  Chick, you’re on my team!  I have beer, a shotgun and a guy named Coop we can use as bait. 

Everyone else:  You’re on your own!  Continue reading so you can avoid a horrible fate, but stay out of Wal-Mart.  It’s MINE!…

-Dark Side

P.S.  Go visit the Chick!  She’s a hell of a writer and you can read Coop’s article WHY MANLY-MEN LOVE ACTION FLICK CHICKS there.

Everyone has at least seen one zombie film, and, if you haven’t, I don’t think we can be friends until you do. So get on it! I’m not waiting around! You have to be prepared for when a zombie outbreak occurs in your own small town. The zombies have to be nipped in the bud (or head) before it takes over the whole world and it is up to you to do it. Prepare yourselves! It’s inevitable.

1. RUN FIRST, ASK QUESTIONS LATER!

If you see someone and questions pop into your head, run first, and then ask when you are in a secure place. Here are some examples of some questions that might pop into your head when you see a zombie for the first time: “What’s wrong with your face? What’s wrong with your arm? Do I need to take you to see a doctor? Why are you trying to bite me? Why are you covered with blood? Did you just eat that homeless guy? Did you just bite that woman? Why are you walking and groaning like a zombie?” By the time you’ve asked the question and waited for a response, BAM! You’ve been bitten and you’re a zombie. Now I have to shoot you in the head, and I really thought we could be friends. Too bad.

2. ARM YOURSELF!

Collect every bat, machete, gun, and bullet you can find. Don’t think, “Well, my bat will never run out of ammo. I don’t need another weapon.” BUZZZZ! Wrong answer! Kick yourself in the ass because you’ve just broken your bat and now you’ve been bitten. Of course bats can break or get lost, dropped, or stolen by a big burly zombie that had parents who never loved him so he turned to a life of petty theft. Carry as many backup weapons as possible if you want to survive. I mean, you could always steal the little peon’s weapon but you are really supposed to be working as a team. You actually need as many people to survive as possible.

3. ROUND UP YOUR MOST DEPENDABLE FRIENDS FIRST!

You have to make sure you get your good pals that will step up to the plate and swing away on a zombie’s head. I know Billy’s a kook and hilarious to be around, but how good is he with a machete? And Ms. Tasty is just that, tasty, but will she be tasty to your eyes or the zombies’ taste buds? Other than your most dependable friends, make sure you have a mix of all the right people. You will need: the rich, snooty, a-hole guy, the slut, the heroine, the hero, the slacker, the old guy, the sniper guy who can shoot the ball fuzz off of a rat from 50 yards away, the guy everyone loves but who will get killed horribly, the guy with no balls who will follow anyone and everyone (aka the follower), the easily panicked person who will freak out and get someone killed; then maybe pick up a few other expendable people just to make sure you are not the one getting killed because of the other retards. There will be casualties, just make sure it’s not you.

4. HOLD UP IN A WAL-MART!

Even small towns have a Wal-Mart. They may not have a mall, theatre, or even a restaurant, but by God they’ll have a Wal-Mart. This will be fully equipped with everything you need for a long period of time: guns, ammo, food, clothing, bathrooms, bedding supplies, and some pretty plants to look at. They’ll also be equipped with sporting gear, so you can equip your clumsy…or stupid friends with bats and tennis rackets instead of actual guns. You have to think ahead and ask yourself, “If I give this gun to easily panicked person, will I get shot in the butt?”

5. THROW PHILANTHROPY AND PACIFISM OUT THE F***ING DOOR!

During a zombie apocalypse, there is no room for philanthropy. Anyone who says they won’t pick up a weapon and fight the zombies because they don’t want to hurt them needs to go take a nap in the parking lot or else they might get you killed by trying to free a zombie from a tangled wire because it just looked so helpless and was struggling for “like an hour”. There is no time for that crap in a zombie outbreak. You fight or die!

6. AIM FOR THE HEAD! FOR THE LOVE OF ZOMBIES, AIM FOR THE HEAD!

You see it in every zombie flick, there’s a time period where the survivors are trying to figure out how to kill these “walking dead” and what the bites mean. Let me fill you folks in on those mysterious mysteries: the bites mean you’re f***ed and you kill those ‘things’ by SHOOTING THEM IN THE HEAD. Let’s skip over that part and concentrate on other more important things.

7. DITCH PEEPS WHO GET BITTEN!

Like I said earlier, you are screwed if you get bitten. So, you should really ditch those people. Use them as distractions so you can get away or use them to lead the zombies into a planned trap. If you don’t get rid of them, they will die, come back and literally bit you in the ass. BAM! Then you’re the guy that people are trying to ditch while they make a hasty getaway.

8. IF BITTEN, GO OUT LIKE A CHAMP!

If the unthinkable happens, don’t wait for the others to throw you out to the zombies. Be a man! Grow some balls and go out like a champ! Blow yourself up or something. Walk into the middle of a ton of zombies and push the detonator. Don’t let the zombies win. If you go down, take a buttload of zombies with you. Hell, take two buttloads just for good measure.

9. IF ALL HOPE IS LOST, WAIT FOR MILLA JOVOVICH TO COME RESCUE YOU!

You know she is still alive and you know she is kicking some zombie ass. She was well prepared through all her movies. Find her!

10. STAY ALIVE!

The existence of the world rest on your shoulders. What are you going to do about it?


This is the Action Flick Chick, and you’ve just been kicked in the ass!

More “Best of” articles…

  • I’ve been saying it all along… Romantic Comedies are screwing up our love lives! by COOP
  • A Movie/Film Review Lesson Plan for Teachers! by COOP
  • BLEEDIN’ WICKED GOOGLY… Films about 35 of those “Other” Sports (Parts 1 – 7) by JAY
  • “Bard None: A Cinematic Guide to Really Bad Shakespeare” by JAY
  • Not a Xenu’s chance in hell… Travolta + Cruise does NOT = BUTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDANCE KID!!! by JAY
  • Dex Romweber and the TWO HEADED COW… definitely the most bizarre documentary screening/concert I’ve ever seen! by COOP
  • 10 TOUGHEST MOVIE HEROES OF ALL TIME by COOP
  • TOP 10 REASONS TO WATCH THE OSCARS by Coop
  • TOP 10 HOLIDAY SEASON MOVIES by COOP
  • Top 10 Scariest Horror Scenes by COOP
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  • DARK SIDE announces the BEST MOVIE VILLAIN of 2008… Who will claim 2009? **UPDATED**
  • DARK SIDE announces the BEST MOVIE VILLAIN of 2007… Who will claim 2009?
  • THE DARK SIDE CRITIC stars in his own horror short!!!
  • Porky’s Revenge: Swine Flu and the Virus in Film… by JAY
  • Top 10 Greatest Movie Titles Ever!
  • Top 11 Baddest Killer Robots!
  • Ten Movies Designed to Offend Your Religion (Part 1)
  • Ten Movies Designed to Offend Your Religion (Part 2)
  • Why Manly-Men Love Action Flick Chicks
  • Action Flick Chick’s Zombie Survival Guide for a Small Town
  • Some folks get it!  Stacie Ponder – Know Your Zombies… or Else!

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