FAIL!!! DARK SIDE has seen a bunch of movies and they ALL SUCK…

Posted on May 28th, 2009

Every once in awhile I hit a bunch of stinkers in a row. I agonize whether to bother posting them on here sometimes and normally I don’t either for time’s sake, figuring no one will be interested in the film or sometimes I refuse to out of spite or flat out disgust.

After enduring so many flat-out turkeys in a row, I figured I should first douse my eyeballs with industrial-strength bleach, then warn you good people away from them. Avoid these at all cost (P.S. NO trailers for any of these):

DANTE O1 (2008) 1 out of 5 stars

While the French have bowled me over with their transcendent horror films, it’s obvious their sci-fi is self-indulgent and sorely lacking. After the ridiculous and underwhelming “Immortel,” “Dante 01″ follows suit with more of the same. Apparently writer/director Marc Caro wanted to modify the story of “Dante’s Inferno” and set it in outer space… with disastrous results. Some guy (Lambert Wilson) suffering from some sort of alien malady gets dropped off on a prison/research station and mixed in with a population of inmates all inexplicably named after various gods. When a particularly intelligent inmate starts sabotaging the station, everything falls apart including any chance at a coherent plot. I’d like to send this pretentious stab at an art house sci-fi film straight to hell.

EDEN LOG (2007) 2 out of 5 stars

More French sci-fi that starts off brilliantly, but can’t sustain neither the mystery of the plot, nor its coherence. A man (Clovis Cornillac) wakes up in a subterranean complex, covered in mud and suffering from amnesia. As he wanders amongst the dark mixture of organic material and advanced technology, the information he learns about his predicament becomes more ominous, especially when he hears unearthly screams following him (so far so good, right?). Like “Dante 01,” the plot tumbles into vague symbolism, nonsensical explanations and an incomprehensible ending. They could’ve tried for some sort of half-assed Genesis story but they blew it and in poorly dubbed English for some reason.

S. DARKO (2009) 1 out of 5 stars

A semi-official sequel to Richard Kelly’s 2001 cult masterpiece ”Donnie Darko,” the “S.” refers to Donnie’s younger sister Samantha, once again played by Daveigh Chase. Apparently morose and rebellious after the death of her older brother, Samantha runs away with a harpy of a friend (Briana Evigan) and they end up in a dead-end southwest town. A mysterious meteor strike gets the town buzzing and soon Donnie’s old time-travel curse starts not only affecting Samantha, but the rest of the townspeople. More of a remake than a sequel, writer Nathan Atkins and director Chris Fisher try to recapture a lot of that old Darko magic with a spooky storyline and lofty 80’s music. Although “S.” starts with a glimmer of inspiration, it dissolves into a complete mess, adding nothing new to the franchise and possibly harming the original (even more so than “Donnie Darko: The Director’s Cut”). Chase is cute but can’t really act and many of the familiar faces, including Jackson Rathbone of “Twilight” fame, can’t save the derivative and incompetent plot. Only Kelly himself could do this much damage to a potentially interesting film.

DOWNLOADING NANCY (2008) 1 out of 5 stars

Possibly one of the bleakest and most irresponsibly offensive films I’ve witnessed outside of a grindhouse setting, this one draws my ire for trying to fool audiences into thinking it’s high art. As a grindhouse film it could’ve been sick and subversive. Instead, it’s going to piss off every critic, Joe Blow and Plain Jane out there. Nancy (Maria Bello) has been pummeled into terminal numbness by the cold and callous neglect of her husband Albert (Rufus Sewell). In order to feel anything at all, she mutilates herself with razors and engages in psychosexual/suicidal fantasy play on the internet. She goes to a therapist (Amy Brennemen) to at least try to pretend like she’s getting help, but it quickly becomes evident that Nancy is a lost cause. She hires a fellow sicko Louis (Jason Patrick) off the internet to spend time with her for a few days before he’s supposed to rape and kill her (all at her request). At the moment of truth, Louis loses his nerve… but there’s no way Nancy’s going to let a chance at happiness spoil her plans. Ugly, ugly, ugly and irredeemable movie that offers nothing but exploitation (no matter if it claims to be based off a true story). A message to the creators of this piece: “Don’t spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting.”