I AM A HATER presents: Okay… Now does THIS guy look like GREEN LANTERN? by DARK SIDE

(Sort-of Disclaimer: “I Am A Hater” contributors say mean things… but in a constructive way. They try to elicit free thinking, discussion or change from slamming something that infuriates, baffles or frustrates them. I’m sure you’ve often thought of doing the same. Read the rant and decide for yourself…)

Okay, I guess I’ll do this dance.  Who is Green Lantern gonna be?  Bradley Cooper?  Sam Worthington? 

Rip Taylor?

New word says that Sam is the new horse.  Makes sense considering he’s the flavor of the month being a co-star in “Terminator Salvation.”  That and he’s foreign which by Hollywood law gives him an advantage over everyone born here who doesn’t overpronounce an American accent like only Brits, Aussies, South Africans and every other Hollywood Outlander can…  All of whom pretend to speak American English when we can practically hear them say “colour” instead of ”color.”  YOU know what I’m talking about.  Yeah, you too Frenchy.  And German-E.  And Belgium-O. 

And stop making fun of my non-Queen’s English grammar.  You only WISH you could write an entire article without using the word “whilst” or “fortnight.”

Oh yeah, I went there.  So, how about an American actor as a super hero this time?  No more Australian Wolverines (Canada is America Jr!), English Batmens or Muppet Howard-the-Ducks. 

Sam Worthington means two things to me:  1. Jack  2. Squat…  and Jack left town alongside everyone with the last name of Worthington.  Who is this guy, what has he done and why should we care?  He’s a genric Hollywood buzzword.  He’s the candy every kid wants but no one will tell us why it tastes like Cadbury products…  which are considered NASTY in America.  Why not hire a guy whose name is not Lord Fontelroy Higgenbotham Merryweather the VI? 

Why not Bradley Cooper?

Other continents…  Get your own superheroes.  You already have Captain Britain, The Egyptian Magician, The Silver Samurai, The Gremlin (Russia), The Thing (Antarctica), Sepultura  and Bunyip Boy. 

We don’t need no stinking Kangaroo-Jack Worthington here.  Sorry, Sam.  I’m sure you’re a nice guy, but, you know…  A dingo ate your baby.  I also don’t like the idea of you taking Harry Hamilin’s (another American BTW) role as Perseus in the remake of “Clash of the Titans.”  You’ll NEVER face a claymation Kraken!  EVER!  Think about that when you’re swinging that plastic sword at a green screen while trying to imagine a poorly-rendered CGI monster!

Okay…  Okay…  I’ll watch you (Sam Worthington) in “Terminator Salvage.”  Once I do, I reserve the right to refer back to this rant anytime anyone mentions either Green Lantern or Your Name in a negative way.  If I relent and agree that you’re good and would make a nice Green Lantern after seeing “Terminator 4″ (and I WILL be honest about it)…  then I’ll run an article written by you, uncensored where you can say what you want and I won’t write a rebuttal.  I also won’t bash you again until you ruin a completely separate movie. 

Deal? 

‘Nuff said.

-Dark Side