Not a Xenu’s chance in hell… Travolta + Cruise does NOT = BUTCH CASSIDY & THE SUNDANCE KID!!! by JAY

(NOTE: Jay is a master of observational sarcasm and a welcome new contributor to The Small Town Critic. Behold his wit and satire in this news item that rightfully scores a solid 10 on the ludicrous scale)…

So Tom Cruise is teaming up with BFF and fellow Scientologist John Travolta
to remake the Newman / Redford Classic “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid”.
All I can say is “Finally!” Unlike most purists, I’ve always imagined Butch
Cassidy as a fat, beady-eyed Italian and the gun-slinging Sundance to be a
narcissistic, withering pretty boy with a Napoleon complex and
anger-management issues. For me, this is an idea long overdue. And if we’re
casting against type and the roles are reversed, I may swoon. And while
we’re talking about it, there are some other corrections and improvements
the Thetans may want to address during production so as to clean up the
incoherent mess that George Roy Hill made of the original.

First off, what’s a movie without a strong cast? Exactly – a Hallmark Hall
of Fame presentation. So are you ready for my casting epiphany? Here it
comes — wait or it… Forrest Whitaker is Joe LaFores! Betcha didn’t see
that one coming. Oh, and try to get Scarlett Johansen to play Etta Place; if
for no other reason than to see the look on her face when she hears the
casting call is from Cruise Control. I’d pay to see that. But if we’re
keeping it in the family (so to speak), I think Laura Prepon is female, in
dire need of work and unencumbered by previous commitments. As far as
Butch’s hooker at the hotel, I have no problem with Cloris Leachman
reprising her role – I think she can still pull it off. And we’ll work Danny
Masterson and Jason Lee in there some how. For scale, of course.

Now let’s talk plot. Rather than robbing every bank, train and payroll they
come across, let’s have the Banditos Yankees sit the Bolivians down for an
extended series of audits over the entire course of the film. The counseling
fees alone required to achieve level 4 would net the pair a hefty sum.
Guiding the indigenes along the slow, costly road to OT III enlightenment
would surely generate more capital than they could ever realize by knocking
over hayseed S&L’s.

You know, I’ve always thought that the knife fight between Butch and Harvey,
while brilliant in its comedic brevity, was a bit off the mark. Instead,
let’s go with a training montage with plenty of vitamins and two-a-day
workouts, a couple of cleansing rituals (with lots of E Meter close-ups)
culminating in a protracted legal proceeding in which a cease and desist
order is levied against Harvey preventing him from trying to interject his
own ideas into the Hole in the Wall Gang. Poetry!

But in all seriousness, something has to be done about the music. I might be
able to look the other way when it comes to the scat-like “badda bah’s”
during the forth or fifth chase sequence, but “Raindrops Keep Falling on My
Head” has got to go. In its stead, let’s go with something more
traditionally oater while still encapsulating the intended Xenuic essence;
perhaps something along the lines of “Dances with Wolves” meets Vangelis.
Here’s my vision; let’s get Beck to write a lot of songs about Dianetics and
tax exemptions and have him yodel them in Swedish through a cardboard
mailing tube while a naked Anne Archer circles him with a hand held
spotlight. Too much? Okay, make it Jena Elfman.

Oh sure, some things will have to go. A shot featuring a phalanx of DC-8’s
soaring over the mail car just before it’s dynamited may have to be
retooled. And the scene in which Xenu swoops in and captures the whole
Bolivian army, throws them into the fiery bowls of Vulcan Acotango while
awarding both Butch and Sundance the Freedom Medal of Valor as the credits
role will probably be relegated to the Bonus Features on the DVD. But
seriously, there are so many things wrong with the 1969 “cult classic” that
anything Cruise and Travolta can bring to the table can only be seen as an
improvement. So join me, won’t you, in wishing the El Ronners godspeed in
their Spielbergian enterprise as they take one of the most-beloved iconic
films of the past 50 years and transform it into a hubristic miasma of
self-indulgent shit

Who knows? If all goes well, maybe Tom and John will be inspired to add
their seminal touch to such inferior flicks as “Citizen Kane” and “The
Wizard of Oz”; treat us to their unparalleled vision of such lack-a-day
yawners as “The African Queen” and “The Sound of Music”. All we can do is
hope.

Cross your fingers.

-Jay

Coop: Travolta and Cruise are the disease… The original trailer is the cure…