THE DARK SIDE CRITIC sez: With My Last GASP… I… BOYCOTT and CURSE the 2009 GOLDEN GLOBES…***UPDATE! FRESH SCANDAL!!!***

Despite our differences, it’s one thing I agree with The Small Town Critic on…

This “Hollywood Foreign Press Association” shouldn’t get a say in what’s award-worthy or what isn’t. Here’s his past reaction to the nominations and I couldn’t agree with him more. Here’s where COOP (be sure to spell his name right) has the advantage….

1. He’s young enough

2. He’s far below their radar

3. He (and I) have no fear of the organization known as “The Hollywood Foreign Press Association.” Neither should you, nor should you pay any sort of attention to those overseas media rejects.

Imagine your evil Mother-in-Law. Now imagine your evil Mother-in-Law flaunting a French accent, telling you she writes one or two film reviews per year… at the most because she’s “elite.” Now imagine she announces in her smug, French (possibly Italian, German, Luxembourgish, Finnish or Portuguese) accent that she voted for several films/performances that sucked and may purposefully influence the American box office AND the American Academy Awards Nominations, and you think her choices are dubious at best. She consorts with a fellow HFPA member who tried to blackmail Tom Selleck over some photographs, then the HFPA blackmailer commits suicide in disgrace. Not to mention, she nominates the worst actor/actress for an award because said actor/actress/actress’s producer boyfriend threw her a lavish party (and possibly slipped her a check for an undisclosed amount), yet everybody in the world knows your Mother-in-law is on the take and would sell her skanky, European vote for a simple moment of Hollywood glory.

Ladies and gentlemen… those are the “Golden Globes Awards” and I feel secure making all those claims because that’s how they roll. The horrific allegations above aren’t fiction. They are past (and current) scandals of the organization and EVERYONE in Hollywood knows it. These sketchy award-merchanting atrocities keep happening to this day. The funny thing is Hollywood doesn’t have the stones to denounce them because they love getting trophies.

It’s a joke that this defunct cadre still has juice and even a few skittish critics are finally starting to turn on them.

The HFPA will present the “Golden Globes” tonight and I urge you, “DO NOT WATCH THEM.” Even celebrities these days are beginning to shun this particular awards ceremony… not most of them (because they love the bright, shiny things!), but SOME. Take for example last year when NO American celebrities showed up for the Golden Globes ceremony, only to re-appear for the Oscars because they wanted to end the Writers Guild of America Strike before the REAL awards ceremony. The actors and high-profile filmmakers took a small hit and avoided the HFPA but refused to take a hit for the Oscars and caved to demands because they REALLY wanted to be seen at the Academy Awards.

We all want kudos. I’ll take an award for washing the dishes (thank you very much, roommate!)… but I’d support anyone over the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. I’d even endorse a “Rip Taylor Fabulous Happy Time Movie Award” over the HFPA… if there were such a thing (c’mon Rip, why not?). I’d even pay him an extra $4 not to throw confetti all over the audience.

C’mon guys, do your research. The Golden Globes are as crooked as Stephen Hawking’s back. Ignore those cheese-eating surrender monkeys and ex-Mussolini supporters and pay attention to the industry awards like the Producer’s Guild, the Director’s Guild, the Writer’s Guild and the Screen Actors Guild and any of the critic’s awards. Support the choices of those organizations, then watch the Oscars. I guarantee you will get a sexier, more glamorous Hollywood experience.

I was kidding, Rip Taylor. Get away from my website.

Alright, I got an Award! Awww… It was just a Golden Globe…

-The Dark Side Critic

***UPDATE***

What did I tell ya? Already this silly little awards show has made a boo boo that’s sure to get tongues wagging no matter the outcome.

According to Roger Friedman over at Fox News, The HFPA website on Friday put a star next to Anne Hathaway’s name, indicating her as the winner for Best Actress for her performance in “Rachael Getting Married” (go here to note that they’ve fixed it since). Mind you, this is two days before the actual ceremony. None of the members, or anybody running the website should know any of the winners yet. After all, isn’t it a secret ballot process? Oops. Click here to read their excuse.

This is an embarrassment that Hathaway doesn’t need or deserve. It’s a no-win situation for the HFPA as well. If she wins, it’s evidence against the HFPA, helping to confirm the allegations that their voting process isn’t legit. If she loses, it will look like another “Marisa Tomei Oscars Conspiracy” where they change the outcome to avoid further embarrassment, robbing the rightful winner of her deserving award. Apologies to Marisa, I believe you won that Best Supporting Actress Award fair and square… but realize there are a handful of people out there who don’t. That’s how some people will feel if Hathaway loses.

Another nail in the coffin for my least favorite awards ceremony. Now I’m probably going to watch a little of the awards just to see what happens. I may have more to say about this later, folks.

-The Dark Side Critic